Cardinal Keith O’Brien shakes the SNP dust from his feet

Published by Daily Mail

Papal visit to UKThe leader of the Roman Catholic Church in Scotland has severed all direct communication with Scotland’s First Minister Alex Salmond over a minor dispute about the rights and wrongs of same-sex marriage. Apparently they still have enormous respect for each other, and remain on first-name terms. But Alex wants Scotland to pioneer gay marriage in the UK, and Keith just doesn’t. I’ve managed to obtain the transcript of their recent telephone conversation on the matter:

First Minister Alex: Guid morn, Jimmy.

Cardinal Keith: Mah name’s Keith, dornt ye ken ‘at?

First Minister Alex: Ay coorse ah dae. Ah was jist tryin’ tae be coothie.

Cardinal Keith: Weel, th’ time fur thaat’s wayl ower. Aam boak ay skitin’ tea wi’ ye. Ah willnae be meetin’ ye again.

First Minister Alex: Wa ever nae? Hae ah dain somethin’ tae offend ye?

Cardinal Keith: Ye want gay marriage, ah dornt want gay marriage. An’ neither diz th’ Pope. An’ neither diz Jesus.

First Minister Alex: Hoo dae ye ken whit Jesus wants?

Cardinal Keith: Ah pray tae heem every nicht. Bit hoo oan earth dae ye ken whit th’ fowk want if ye willnae hauld a referendum?

First Minister Alex: It’s whit Parliament wants. An’ we’re hauldin’ a referendum oan Scootland’s independence, dornt ye ken?

Cardinal Keith: Och aye, ah dae bludy ken. An’ eh’d hae got th’ church’s renk an’ file tae support ye in it, but nae noo, nae noo yoo’re proceedin’ wi’ gay marriage efter ah tauld ye ower a braw cuppae tea ‘at ah didne wannit. An’ neither diz th’ Pope. An’ neither diz Jesus.

First Minister Alex: I’m nae askin’ ye tae condain condoms ur preach abit th’ virtues ay abortin’ wee bairns. Aw ah want is equality fur gays an’ lesbians. Is ‘at tay much tae ask? Wooldnae Jesus be aw in favoor ay equal marriage?

Cardinal Keith: Nae he bludy wooldn’t. It’s an abomination, a perversion, a mingin’ parody ay th’ sacrament. Yer government has decided tae change th’ law despite most ay those fa replied tae yer consultation opposin’ ref’rm.

First Minister Alex: Won’t ye at leest come in tae gab abit it? Ah’l git Nicola, th’ minister fur wellbein’, t’pit th’ kettle oan.

Cardinal Keith: I’m boak tae death ay yer bludy tea an’ sympathy. I’m boak tae death ay talkin’ tae ye an’ nae bein’ taken serioosly. Ye hear but ye donnae listen. I’m a thrang cheil, don’t ye ken, an’ mah time’s huir uv a precioos. Ah’ve got a whoole flock ay lambs tae feed.

First Minister Alex: Don’t ye hae onie gay ‘uns?

Cardinal Keith: Ye min those fa perf’rm unnatural lewd acts in’t scratcher?

First Minister Alex: Och nae, pure nat’ral an’ God-made.

Cardinal Keith: Nae ah bludy haven’t, an’ if ah hae they’ll be called tae a special life ay singleness.

First Minister Alex: Ye min looneliness.

Cardinal Keith: Nae, they won’t be loonely: they’ve got God an’ Jesus an’ Mary an’ Jooseph an’ th’ Hooly Moth’r Church tae keep ‘em al comp’ny.

First Minister Alex: But they doon’t, weel, feel ‘at sort ay love: it’s nae huir uv a intimate.

Cardinal Keith: Weel, Alex, loove isn’t oonly abit a scuttle an’ nae aw a scuttle is loove. Marriage in the guid book is defined as a body cheil an’ a body kimmers fur th’ purposes ay procreation an’ life-lang companionship.

First Minister Alex: Och aye, ah ken, but in t’age ay contraception, aw yoo’re left wi’ is companionship. An’ if it’s ahl abit companionship, weel, gays an’ lesbians deserve tae hae partners, tay. Willnae ye at leest come in tae gab abit it?

Cardinal Keith: Ah cam in tae gab tae ye abit it lest week, lest month, an’ th’ month afair ‘at, an’ th’ month afair ‘at. Ah am heartily boak tae death ay comin’ in tae gab abit it. Talkin’ tae ye is loch a thoosain years in purgat’ry.

First Minister Alex: Och, Jimmy thaur is nae need tae be loch ‘at.

Cardinal Keith: Th’ name’s Keith. Yer mekkin a radge social experiment oan a massife scale.

First Minister Alex: Bit hoo dus tois men gettin’ married affect whit goes oan inside yer church?

Cardinal Keith: That’s nae th’ point. Th’ point is yer changin’ th’ fundamental definition ay a fundamental bedrock ay society. Tois men cannae hae bairns. Tois kimmers cannae hae bairns. A cheil an’ a hen hae tae be married in order tae make bairns.

First Minister Alex: But th’ warld has moved oan. An’ faith groops an’ God’s fowk wulnae be obliged tae solemnise gay marriage, an’ we’ll protect th’ faith content ay th’ curriculum in Scootish Catholic schools. There’ll be nae teachin’ abit a cheil moontin’ a cheil in wedded bliss.

Cardinal Keith: That’s nae th’ point. Gay marriage is ‘n abomination afair God an’ ye clearly dornt want tae listen tae mah detailed an’ learned theological exposition sae there’s nae point in comin’ tae gab tae ye onie mair.

First Minister Alex: That’s a sham, a greet pity. Thaur is a huir uv a important place fur th’ Catholic Church in ‘n independent Scootland.

Cardinal Keith: There’s a far mair important place fur th’ Catholic Church in defendin’ Christian tradition, an’ orth’doxy, an’ everythin’ at’s beneficial tae society.

First Minister Alex: But that’s whit ah was elected by th’ Scootish fowk tae dae.

Cardinal Keith: An’ that’s whit ah was appointed by th’ Pope ay Rome tae dae.

First Minister Alex: It’s a mater ay citizenship an’ equality.

Cardinal Keith: It’s a mater ay moral conscience.

Cardinal Keith: Why ye dornt want tae come an’ gab abit it? E’en Jesus talked tae tax collectors an’ prostitutes. Aam sure he’d come in fur a cuppa wi’ a Scootish Nationalist. We’re nae ‘at bad, ye ken.

Cardinal Keith: Jesus talked tae tax collectors an’ prostitutes an’ they listened intently tae’s wisdom, an’ then left his presence an’ repented ay their sins when they heard th’ guid bark. Those ‘at didne, Jesus shook th’ doost frae his feit an’ left ‘em. Th’ time’s come fur me tae dae th’ sam. Aam jist shakin’ th’ SNP doost frae mah feit.

First Minister Alex: Och, a’ll gie someain tae jist hoowre it up.

Cardinal Keith: It’s fur yer ain guid, Alex. Frae time tae time dissociation’s huir uv a necessary fur a holy pursuit. I’m bringin’ ye guid bark, don’t ye ken?

First Minister Alex: But aam bringin’ guid bark tae gays an’ lesbians.

Cardinal Keith: But it’s nae gud: it’s a sin.

First Minister Alex: Whit?

Cardinal Keith: A hoose wi’ tois husbands.

First Minister Alex: Dornt be bapit. A scuttle ootwith marriage is also a sin but yoo’re nae demandin’ a referendum oan ‘at.

Cardinal Keith: That’s nae th’ point. We’re jist gonnae roon an’ roon in circles. Frae noo oan mah fowk can gab tae yer fowk but thaur pure is nae point mah talkin’ tae ye. Cheerio th’ noo.

First Minister Alex: But ah’ve trysted tae protect religioos freedom an’ freedom ay expression.

Cardinal Keith: Ah said cheerio th’ noo. An’ th’ nam, fur th’ hoondredth tayme, is Keith.

First Minister Alex: Keith, it’s pure nae ‘at big a deal.

Cardinal Keith: Tae ye, mebbe nae, but it is tae me. It’s a grootesque su’verrsion ay a univ’rsally accepted human reit. An’ it is tae th’ Pope, an’ it is tae Jesus.

First Minister Alex: Whit abit Muhammad?

Cardinal Keith: Och it’s a feerly big deal tae heem, tay. But ah dornt spick fur Scootish Muslims, ah spick only fur Scootish Catholics an’ we hae decided – ur ah hae decided oan their behalf – ‘at we willnae be supportin’ th’ SNP onie mair. Cheerio th’ noo.

First Minister Alex: But Jimmy, Jimmy… David Cameron is it fur gay marriage; Boris is it fur gay marriage. Nick Clegg is it fur gay marriage. E’en th’ Times ay London supports gay marriage. A’ fowk who’s anyain is fur it.

Cardinal Keith: But aam nae, th’ Pope’s nae, an’ Jesus isnae. Cheerio th’ noo, Alex. Yoo’ve crossed th’ line wi’ thes a body.

First Minister Alex: Jimmy… helloo? Helloo? Helloo? Ach, he’s jist playin’ politics. He’s awreddy gart it clear ‘at it’s difficult tae argue ‘at church independence is guid but political independence isnae. An’ that’s whit aam haur fur. He’ll withit doubt change his min’, at leest ower th’ tea.

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